No Good Reason
2 December 2019 18:52![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
johno_1960I was sick this weekend. Missed the company party, missed work today. It's rare for me. Not to miss parties, I always miss parties, but to miss work. I'm so disorganized I cannot even schedule time off, because I'm afraid I might miss something, or forget something.
Forgetting things is common now. Before this, I just didn't do things, or I followed paths and improvised. It's no wonder nothing ever came of any of it, because I never got deep enough.
Coming to the realization that you are not original is not easy. Especially when you are invested in your originality. Turns out I stole everything. I have wide ranging interests, of course, but no great understanding of any of it. Nothing but feeling. I never figured out the craft, just imitated the sentence structure until the words looked right on the page.
And, now, here I am. heading into the last 25% of life, with no plan and too much stuff. Overwhelmed by the futility of it all. And I still get up every morning. Still go through the motions. Still check in every once and awhile. No desire to be the center of attention, yet here I am. What a joke.
I'll do my best to lay it out here. Just for myself. I thought I had a book in me, but I guess I don't. I thought I was original, but I'm not even authentic. I'm going to try and learn what it is that comprises life, and lay it out there for someone to find.
Really.
Forgetting things is common now. Before this, I just didn't do things, or I followed paths and improvised. It's no wonder nothing ever came of any of it, because I never got deep enough.
Coming to the realization that you are not original is not easy. Especially when you are invested in your originality. Turns out I stole everything. I have wide ranging interests, of course, but no great understanding of any of it. Nothing but feeling. I never figured out the craft, just imitated the sentence structure until the words looked right on the page.
And, now, here I am. heading into the last 25% of life, with no plan and too much stuff. Overwhelmed by the futility of it all. And I still get up every morning. Still go through the motions. Still check in every once and awhile. No desire to be the center of attention, yet here I am. What a joke.
I'll do my best to lay it out here. Just for myself. I thought I had a book in me, but I guess I don't. I thought I was original, but I'm not even authentic. I'm going to try and learn what it is that comprises life, and lay it out there for someone to find.
Really.
