Every Nails Hammer Time

COUNTER POINT: YES YOU DID.

I'm weird, first of all.
All up in my head. All up in my feels, as some would say.
It's how I've navigated the world.
My family welcomed me into this world as a gift.
Not a savior. Although my siblings said I saved them.
I carried around a whole complex range of feelings.
I felt the whole world.
I was self conscious, self absorbed, self defeating.
The programming for grandeur was installed into the wrong operating system.
The wrong mainframe.
I crave attention.
And reject it.
I don't want to hear it.
I love to hear it.
But I don't believe it.
Thank you for sharing.
You can't be talking about me.
That can't be true.
If you believe the good things, you have to believe the bad.
It's all about me.
I want you to love me.
You have no idea what I see
When I look inside.
I hurt when I think about it
So I try not to think about it.
But I fail.
Why don't you see me
For what I am.

Keep drinking clear liquid. Only a little way to go. Up really early after fitful sleep, cold, and braindead. It's hard to write when you haven't had anything to eat except clear liquid. I don't have to do this again for ten years, though. Unless, some other marker comes up. I have been blessedly free from surgeries and other invasive procedures in my life. Wisdom teeth, colonoscopies. Those are the only times I have been under anesthesia. Some people get surgeried like they are washing the car. It's a chore they feel compelled to do.
All of this prep is making me feel really waterlogged. I'm glad we have the means to still accomplish such things. In six hours I will be back in my house, after being transported to the clinic by my wife, who I am fortunate to have by my side. I will be there for her when she has the same procedure done in August.
Hopefully, they won't find any regrowth of the polyps they found last time. They were benign, but it's significant for us old coots, so my ten year colonoscopy timeframe is cut in half.
So tired, on top of all that, because I attended the Treefort Music Festival, a 5 day event that kept me up super late a few nights. Between the prep, and exhaustion, I am feeling it right now. I'm writing this to occupy my time, and exercise my writing muscles. I skipped the publication yesterday, because I wasn't feeling it. That is my great failing as a commercial writer, and my great fortune, as I run on inspiration. Writing like this is unusual for me, except that it's not. Everything is unusual for me. Why do it otherwise. I am compelled to do these things. And it's for me to live. That's all I can do. Until I stop.

CHECK IT OUT, IF YOU WANT? https://johnpauloneil.substack.com/p/collaborations
Together we stand, divided we fall
Come on now people, let's get on the ball and work together
Come on, come on, let's work together, now, now people
Because together we will stand
Every boy, girl, woman and man
Before when things go wrong, as they sometimes will
And the road you travel, it stays all up hill
Let's work together, come on, come on
Let's work together, alright
You know, together we will stand
Every boy, girl, woman and man
Oh, well now, two or three minutes, two or three hours
What does it matter now in this life of ours?
Let's work together, come on, come on
Let's work together, now, now people
Because together we will stand
Every boy, every woman and man
Oh, c'mon
Oh, c'mon
Let's work together now
Oh well, now, make someone happy, make someone smile
Let's all work together and make life worthwhile
Let's work together, come on, come on
Let's work together, now, now people
Because together we will stand
Every boy, girl, woman and man
Oh, yeah
Well, now together we will stand
Every boy, girl, woman and man
Oh, yeah
Source: Musixmatch
Songwriters: Wilbert Harrison

After a night of rest, Junie, while not herself, was at least mobile yesterday. Got up, moved ok. Went for a (short) walk around the block. Went slowly. She's resting a lot. My wife, a former bedside nurse, and a NP in critical care now, coached me up about rehabbing. Getting the patient up and moving. Keeping on the normal schedule. Walking up and down the hall. Robyn thinks she had some sort of event, like a stroke, and perhaps she has vision deficits. She spends a lot of time staring at nothing.
I have cancelled all of my activities for the week. Moved things around. I would never forgive myself if she had another event and suffered, and I wasn't there to help her.

I did need a sign, a real sign, not what passes for a sign, which is an advertisement.
You are content. Just a product. You are consumed with relish.
And, mustard. No pickles or ketchup

"

Almost done with another YOU WONT WIN, about being a shadow of yourself, and being glad.
I am now one of those F THEM KIDS guys,but not a IN MY DAY guys.
It’s fine to be alive right now. What else can you do.
Don’t answer. It’s not a question.
Things happen, you adapt, life continues.
It’s informed by what you think it will be.
Go look for problems. They’re out there.
Go look for solutions. They are boring.
Chaos runs amok, reigns supreme, buy the wreckage at below cost.
Gather the chits, you will live long and prosper.
My wife thought we needed a plan. I had no idea what to do today.
I usually do something, even if it’s reading.
Ordered parts. I could rule the world, but I can’t get the parts.


https://youtu.be/hZDrlD92bJQ?si=t_uklJfpRMwdQhAB

My father was born 103 years ago. I’m glad he’s not alive to see the world today, although I don’t believe he would have a problem adjusting to it. I liked my father, and he liked me. He had his ideas, and I had mine.
Watched a series my wife had started called WORKING WOMEN. It’s a Canadian show, about the travails of women returning to work after maternity leave. She related, because she did that with our second born. I related because I was not a bystander in that process. I like women’s stories, and I liked this series. I like it when characters are unlikable, as well as likable. They seem real, and human that way. I watched the last
4 shows of the 7th season, which evidently was the finale. We then went back and watched the pilot, and the second episode of the first season. They are brisk, 22 minute shows, which suits my doom scrolling ravaged attention span well. Might find my way through it all.
I dreamt about the homestead I spent my adolescence in, Sutherlin Oregon, plat b road. Before it was set on fire by the Fair Oaks Fire District (all volunteer) as a training exercise. The Aussie Colonel that Dad sold the land to was going to build a grand retirement house contracted them to do a controlled fire. In my dream I knew that was going to happen, but my sister was there doing some project with concrete walkways, and I kind of thought that she was there to dig them up, but she was there to complete the job.
I feel that the universe is calling me back, to retrace my steps, to put things in order.
I hope that I can do that.

I’ve been thinking about retracing steps I’ve never taken. Places I’ve never been, but are imprinted on my being. I’m going to visit my Great Great Grandfathers grave in Linden Washington, the places in Donegal County in Ireland where my mother’s people came from, Dumbarten Scotland, where my mother was born. I may try and get Irish citizenship, and an Irish passport to go live in Victoria. I don’t know at this point. I’ll probably do none of these things, and ride out the end of the US AMERICAN empire here in the mountain states.
We have 5 years before my wife retires to figure things out. I have a feeling it’s going sideways before then, but I am not as doomer mindsetted as I once was.
Got to get rid of stuff. Stuff is the mind delayer. Decayer. Destroyer.

Got some cracked corn for the birds.
Had Salmon for dinner, pasta and kale. Kale is the cleaner and restorer. 🥬

It’s cold here. Time to hibernate.

Meaningless weekend to sort through.
Boom.
RIP YVETTE PERRY. GONE TOO SOON.

There was a wrinkle in today’s fabric. Things tasted funny. I lost my headphones. I was tired. But not sleepy. I made the worst barbecue sauce , and the second try made the second worst. The third try was edible, but too tangy. The coleslaw was too tangy, and the bread was tasteless.
But we ate, and I did the dishes.
Found my car keys. Found my headphones. Lying in bed.
Signing off.
I had more to say, but lost. It. In the 4th ear. Ears 2 3 have too much ringing.
I have done my share of failing.
It fills my soul.
I can’t even imagine anything else
And I don’t want to type on this iPad anymore
Tomorrow

Used the liquid I soaked the beans in, and the broth from the Boxing Day Ham. I used ingredients I had on hand, including some very piquant Bay Leaves I found at Campos Market, a local market/Carniceria/Taqueria.
Don't throw anything away!

"

So happy the rebirth of el Sol is happening for us Northern Hemisphere denizens. The renewal begins now.

Peace to my man Will Kirkman, who has departed our dimension, and is headed elsewhere. He was a neon sign aficionado, and a funny guy who was smart, and I will miss him greatly.

I was relieved of duty to attend my wife’s company Christmas party. She told me I didn’t have to come, and that, further, I would be a convenient escape strategy. I dropped her off, and picked her up.
The party was held on the rooftop of the 26 story apartment building next door to the record store I used to work at.
I also didn’t go to one of my ex co workers Christmas party being held that night. Too many people I didn’t want to see.
Went to a sauna place to get my sweat on today. 40 minutes, 140 degrees. One water bottle consumed.