CAN YOU HEAR ME JUICE

[johno_1960]

I don’t love anyone. Especially myself. I have feelings for other people, indeed. I am drawn to their stories, their essence. But at my core, I don’t trust their judgement. Why would they like someone so worthless. And dry. And dead inside. But I have to keep that to myself. Because I don’t want to insult the people who care about me. I am lucky that I am so disorganized that I am unable to display my true essence, a worthless, self serving chameleon who tries to adapt himself to any situation while shielding people from his real nature. A self loathing, self centered person who trusts no one, expects the worst, and consistently misses opportunities as well as pitfalls.
Like most observations about a person, all this is not necessarily true. The view is colored by expectations, experience and fear. I have failed so often in my life, overestimated my ability, and underestimated my resilience and desire.
Why write this, why say this? To try and say the unsayable. Who needs to hear it. Besides you. I can’t tell if I believe it, or don’t believe it, and want to make the thoughts into words I can expel from my body, never to harm. But you can infect other people. Malfeasance left on surfaces in your wake.